Job Title (and then what?)

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Greetings! 

This is not the most cheerful post!

A lot has happened, and yet nothing has happened. I'm busying myself with things. I am busy with work, eating, sleeping, visiting, committing, sticking to my commitments, self-advocacy, whatever else. I have a better grasp on who I'm going to be (a minuscule difference, compared to others probably) and a better grasp on what I want my changes to look like soon. Everyone is wrapped up in blankets and shuffling in the cold and doing things and not doing things, and everything feels busy. I am a shuffler.

I feel really productive when I am busy. I am making commitments and making art and asking for help when I need it, but the catch is that I have to stay committed or stay on the ball or eat right or make sure I'm walking every day or going out at least (easy with a standing job like mine) when all I want to do is sleep for as long as possible, get up, eat, play Skyrim, watch Netflix, and curl up again. The second comforter is on the bed and we switched from the fan to the space heater. It would be so easy to curl up.

Except I have obligations. I cannot quit. I'm getting ready to find new work (I'll have to work two jobs for a while). I've committed to seeing my friends, I want to take the steps necessary to move on to a better job, but I am so busy with my current job that 5 applications exhausts me after a day of work (and do I really want to be selling novelty breath mints?), and since the nighttime comes so early, and the frigid cold is so difficult without a car, there is little to no time to do things.

I can be better, I deserve better, I will stop at nothing, I am exhausted.

Vs.

I am fine, but broke. I am maintaining, I am sleepy, I am warm.

The weeks have gone by and it's almost Thanksgiving and I just today took down the Halloween decorations. Where did October go? What is happening with November? Why is it almost Thanksgiving? I am not ready for Christmas. Time is escaping me and I don't want to be 85 years old and wondering what happened to my 20's. What happens to me and James when this lease is up next August? Where will we go? Where will we live? How will we afford it? How will we spend our time together? Can I even pass a credit check?

Goals:

(loose and in no real order/structure)

Cosmetology school

Art school (job?)

Driver's permit

Driver's license

Car

New job (ideals: caregiving, art, non-profit)

Save money

Spend more quality time with friends

Clean room

Make and sell art

Get boots for winter

Get a coat that fits

Find a physical/mental balance

That's all for now. Hopefully my next post will be more positive!

XOXO

Cher - "Believe"

idk what im doin

Greetings!

I feel INSPIRED! I feel like I could literally CREATE ANYTHING! I could create an ENTIRE PLANET! I am SOOOOOO UNMOTIVATED THOUGH! 

I want to shake my brain and tell it to get off the internet, quit my job, pack up the essentials (watercolors, brushes, pencils, markers, paper, etc.) and live in the woods for a month or two. When I finally arrive home, ragged and dirty (my hair would be ten feet long), I will have created the ABSOLUTE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. What is it? I don't know. The problem is, I have stuff I'm responsible for. Rent, bills, awesome new chore system... So I'm stuck here at home trying to motivate myself by looking at tumblr, and reading about different kinds of plants or bees or diseases or looking at pictures of protests.

I've noticed that the longer I am on tumblr with the intention of "getting inspired", I usually end up "generally pretty inspired". The problems I face after that are usually the ones keeping me from doing The Thing. The Thing is a potential masterpiece that will continue to always be unfinished. 

What is preventing me from making The Thing?

1. My doubt in my own ability.
2. Other completely unaware artists that I have placed on a pedestal.
3. I don't have the money for resin.
4. I cant find small wooden hearts to paint on amazon.
5. I don't have bus money to go to the woods and do observational drawing.
6. I am cozy here with this blanket.
7. I want a nap. 
8. I know where to get pin backs for crafts but it's 12:30am and I have work in the morning.
9. I am eating a thing right now.
10. I don't want to put this out there because it is not as good as this other thing.
11. Even if I made The Thing, nobody would buy it off my Etsy.
12. I am terrified of / don't exactly understand Etsy and shipping.
13. I don't own little gems to glue onto things already and I don't feel like buying them.

So MAYBE writing this blog post is a way to vent about being creative while simultaneously unmotivated, but MAYBE! It's also about the people who always inspire me to actually doodle the thing, or to clean my work space, or who remind me that someday it will turn out okay, and maybe I'll drop out of art school some day, or maybe I'll graduate. Someday I'll have vintage toys in my house and my studio will be well lit, or minimalist, or covered in pictures of Jesus or something.

Here are some people who I have found inspiring:

~~~

Ginette Lapalme  - Etsy 

Simplify, keep creating no matter what, use EVERY medium and to put eyes on basically everything. You can sell it. Her work space is incredibly inspiring as well. Since her simplest designs are made into beautiful pendants and stickers, I am always wishing to do the same thing with some of my art. I am not limited to a piece of paper and a pen, either.

~~~

Carly Schmitt - Portfolio

I have been a huuuge fan of Carly's work since I was 11 years old, and I have even told her that several times. She has always been my biggest inspiration, and reminds me that artists are still humans, and progress is inevitable if you continue making art no matter what. There is a balance between realism and Magic, and someday I want to find that balance. 

Also, ANATOMY ANATOMY ANATOMY.

~~~

Ivy Atoms - Website - Storenvy

Ivy Atoms is actually one of my most recent inspirations. I became aware of Ivy through our mutual friend, Danielle (we all met at a Cibo Matto show! how cuuute). She teaches me that THE STRUGGLE IS REAL and Networking is as important as making art. Ivy has personally convinced me to make a zine, and has planted a small but determined seed in my brain to make a career out of my art. Also, it's never a bad idea to get a little sexual. Or to put some kitten ears and fuzz on an OC.

~~~

Sera Stanton - Portfolio - Storenvy

Sera Stanton has helped me to understand a bit about networking and making sellable art. She teaches me that acrylics are my friend, and that every color counts. Her art always makes me want to get on amazon and buy a figurine, and that I should probably watch more anime. I really love her and Ivy together, as well. Both Ivy and Sera are strong women, embracing a magical feminist power that I really love and admire. Their courage and ambition is just... hnng. I want that someday.

~~~

Danielle Simone Harrison - Portfolio

Danielle Simone Harrison is actually a personal friend of mine. I text her sometimes about how I'm stuck and how I need prompts and everything is bad and how much I hate my art. She reminds me how even on the worst days work can still get done. She inspires me every day to go to art school, to do it, even if it's horrible. Art is important, and always worth making.

There are a few others who I don't know very much about but admire anyway. I am constantly taking in their work on my dash, and it's always a pleasure to see them making new stuff.

Dany Reede - Shop

Lauren Gonsalves - Shop

Yurie Sekiya - Shop

Justin Wallis (MILKBBI) - Shop

Daniel Guerrero Fernandez - Shop

This is obviously not everybody, but some of them I'm always trying to channel.

And that's all for now. Thanks for reading!

Question time:

Who are some of your biggest inspirations? Why?

XOXO

Wet - "You're The Best"

Nobody's Perfect

Greetings!

It's been a while since I wrote on here, which is totally butts. I am not so good at committing, BUT! It's better to pick up where you left off then to leave it to die. My last post was about my birthday in June, but after that I realized I had to do some serious self care. James's birthday came and we had a blast, but my back was not doing so well. My rat, Betty White, had to be put down. I actually remember thinking to myself "I should take a short hiatus, and I can tell them that my back has been hurting and stuff" but I put that off until now, and I no longer feel like I need a hiatus. Surprise!

 My roommates, partner, and I have decided to stay in our apartment for another year, which is amazing. This will be the longest time I have spent in a place since becoming an adult. Home is nice. My room is nice. What I have, I am so grateful for. At least once a week I look at my walls and I think about how I'm so lucky. 

I've been looking a lot at what my own self-care looks like. I have been going to a chiropractor regularly, I have been riding my bike, and I've been eating a little better. This past month has been filled with a lot of physical activity (for me, it's a lot) including swimming, which is something I have always loved to do. Until recently, my self care looked a lot different. I would rest, I would read or watch positive things, and I would snack on whatever I was craving. Those things aren't gone from my life. I go through phases like crazy, so how I do my own self care is also changing constantly. I get to choose. I hope I can hold onto the more physical aspects of my self care during winter, though. That's going to be a little bit of a test. Can I just say real quick that I'm excited for sweaters? it is TOO DAMN HOT ALL THE TIME.

I've started drawing a bit more freely, as another form of self-care. This has always been one of my biggest and most productive coping mechanisms, but oftentimes I have gotten stuck by comparing myself to others, and it's just not healthy. What has really helped is looking at other people's art and knowing that we are all in this together. Art is important to everyone, especially all the artists. I am very lucky to have a talent that is at least a little bit profitable, too, in case I get into a pickle. Overall, my dream is to make money off my art, and be sustained and eventually comfortable. It's a journey, and I feel like at this point in my life is perfect to start getting myself a bit more organized. I do not want to announce anything until it's ready, but I'm thinking about working on something important for myself. It is yet is to be determined.

I would like to say thank you very much for reading, as always.

XOXO

Question time!

What are a few of the things you do to take care of yourself?

Leave a comment!

Big Country - "Chance" and "In a Big Country" Live

A Bear-y Late Night Post!

Greetings!

A few times this week I've had to get up early. Oddly, this means I was incredibly productive. My body tells me to stay in bed and yet I still made it to all the things!

I had Monday off and spent most of it playing Skyrim. Nothing particularly notable, other than I got my horse and my wife back without even trying (it was easy to lose them, but then again, I just kinda found my horse sitting there. Then I found my wife. Then I lost her again.) And I completed a few quests I had been slacking on.

Tuesday and Wednesday I had work, and I had to go to bed pretty early on Wednesday because I scheduled an appointment with the chiropractor at (gasp!) 10:00am. I'm lucky because I only had to take one bus, and it was the convenient one. I got to the place WAY too early, and the chiropractor was really sweet to me and listened to me really well and provided some really good advice and gave me permission to buy a couple of new pairs of shoes. I rescheduled weekly meetings for the next two weeks. I met James and we went to get lunch and a coffee before he had to go to work.

Friday, James and I had the day off. Instead of doing productive things, he made me pancakes and we hung around the house for a while. We had the most amazing burgers with our friends Sarah and Wyatt (HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!) and then Sarah took us to shop for our month's food. The store was way too crowded and all of us were pretty exhausted from all the lights and adverts and people.

My favorite day of this last week was face painting day at work. We had a kick off event for our summer reading program, and my very special job was face painting. I met some really wonderful, brilliant, and cute kids. I painted them mostly to look like cats, except for one girl who wanted a rainbow and then we talked about My Little Pony and books and fairy houses and lots of other stuff. She ended up getting a Rainbow Dash cutie mark on her cheek. I told James later that maybe I wish I could do face painting all the time.

I biked to meet James at the Goodwill and we shopped for walking shoes, some pants that I could exercise in, and some work pants. We found those things as well as the cutest swimsuit ever! I was so sure it wasn't going to fit, but it was such a surprise when it did, I had to call James into the dressing room too see what he thought. Of course he thought it was awesome.

Yesterday I worked and it was very slow. Even though it was Father's day it was still pretty slow at work, and we had a special deal where dads were able to get a free strawberry sundae or a free strawberry shortcake, and it was nice to be able to offer people free stuff. One dad in particular was a regular at our store, and he specifically likes to come in and get his very very hyperactive boys lunch, and then if they don't freak out, they both get hot fudge and caramel sundaes. This was a special visit, and I enjoyed them very much, especially because I could tell the older boy was growing up. He got a shake instead of a sundae and wanted to order his own burger very very special. I loved chatting with them, and the dad is always so funny and down to earth. They never complain and they always clean up their table and usually the boys have good manners and like talking to me. I think the dad appreciates the tiny breaks, and letting me entertain the boys (being a grown up is kindaaa cool but I do not think they think so). I love being able to bring them ice cream and seeing them being a very real, very imperfect yet still functioning family, similar to my own. Very refreshing.

James and I went to dinner with his parents and his brother and it was such a wonderful time. We went to a beer tasting at a basement brewery, and then had dinner at this amazing Lebanese place called TarBoush. Susanne also brought James, Matt and I little bobble-dragon toys from a trip her and Tom went on this week. Tom seemed to have a lovely time, especially at dinner.

And then there was today. I spent a considerable amount of my morning in a mandatory meeting for work, and after, I hung out with my coworkers, got caught in a ridiculous rainstorm, and did haircuts in my kitchen for James and our coworker, Dylan. Overall, this week was pretty productive and a lot got done. I've been considering getting up earlier anyways, even though I know it might not be a habit yet, and it is purely out of necessity recently. Maybe sometime soon I will be able to take a long walk every morning before I start my day.

XOXO

4Minute - First

The Big Le-Birthday (A photo post!)

Greetings!

I have had an amazing week! My birthday was on Friday, and so much happened!

On Thursday I was really pumped up and excited to get ready for the party. James had helped me clean the living room earlier in the week, and had borrowed the vacuum from our neighbors, Sarah and Wyatt, so that we could clean our carpet (which always needs a vacuum, no matter what). However, my big task for the day was cleaning the bathroom. I don't have an issue with cleaning the bathroom usually, I know all the steps and what needs to happen to make a sparkling floor-toilet-counter combo (my step-mom made it a requirement when I had my own upstairs bathroom as a teenager) so I tend to be the one person that isn't grossed out too much to clean it. It took a while but I motivated myself by telling Isabel "I'm going to do the thing and it's not going to be fun, but I'm going to do it, and then it will be over". By this time, however, it was around 9pm. Hah. Either way, it got done by about 10:30pm. I had a relaxing night besides that, and James came home to me playing Skyrim. I worried about my outfit, makeup and hair for the next day until I fell asleep.

Friday was the big day and Isabel woke me up early with a doughnut and yummy chocolate coffee. We got dressed and headed out to the salon down the street. We both got our eyebrows done. We went back home and I started on my makeup, which I think turned out REALLY good. I wanted something that wasn't going to come off by the end of the day, but that also wasn't very cakey or heavy. I succeeded! The real miracle here is that it didn't sweat off my face because it was TOO HOT for a large portion of the day.

We had a visit by a couple of friends and they brought yogurt and blueberry scones for brunch, and I did my nails and talked to them for a bit. James and I had planned on going to Super Torta for an early dinner, and Robert and Isabel were planning on doing the same thing so we all met up there, ate burritos and talked. The boys bought some beers at the convenience store. I was pretty nervous that nobody was going to show up at the party but almost everybody did! We drank a lot and I spilled a white Russian on the porch (promptly followed by lots and lots of ANTS UGH) and my parents called to sing to me and I was so happy to hear them and be near all of my friends. 

We finally got to sitting down and watching The Big Lebowski and I almost cried twice even though it's a very very funny movie. Probably because I was drunk and they were also legitimately sad parts. Then we had a cake intermission and there was singing and everyone was happy!
I got lots of wonderful presents including a beautiful hand made necklace by my friend-neighbor, Sarah, and Isabel gave me a cute little magnet and a wonderful card, Alex gave me a small handmade sketchbook, and there were lots of other gifts. Everyone who came were so generous and kind and lovely.

 Not pictured is the CABINET FULL OF LIQUOR. Everyone brought a little (a lot) something, and I have never had so much liquor in my life! I have no idea how we are going to drink all of it (Haha yes I do). The night ended well, and we were all pretty tired but I still had time to clean up the kitchen and living room with the boys, since Isabel had already gone to sleep because of work the next day. I wanted to be able to wake up without anyone having to worry about the mess. We put on Nina and cleared the fridge out and put all the trash and leftovers away. I went to bed sobered up and exhausted.

Saturday I slept waaay in, and James's brother Matt picked us up to go to lunch at Double Dragon, a very modern take of typical Japanese and Vietnamese foods. I had miso fries, which is like poutine, but with a miso paste gravy and the cheese is melty instead of curds. It was freakin' awesome. James and I also had Vietnamese iced coffees, which I found out was made with coffee and chicory, from one of my favorite cafe's in the US, Cafe du Monde. That place is such a culture clash, but it works so very very well together. The last time I went there I had a very very spicy ramen soup, which I must remember to get again when I get sick.

After, Matt drove us to a fruit beer festival, and it was really hot and there were a lot of people, BUT I had some of the yummiest beers I had ever tasted, including a beer called Pi Beer, and a hard cider with Guava. I liked the festival a lot and it was really fun, but since it was so crowded and there wasn't any seating (except in a packed expensive restaurant) we decided to leave a little early. I gave our leftover tickets to a staff who I chatted with earlier, so maybe it would make her day a little better. both Matt and I came out with some sunburns!

Matt drove James and I to a surprise location on Alberta and James led me, eyes closed, to my surprise present. He told me to open my eyes and he had led me to a lingerie store, so i could get a VERY VERY NECESSARY bra or if not, a swimsuit. I finally decided on a super cute blue bra with white lace. Afterword we went to a doughnut shop and split a doughnut. I got a milkshake and he of course got an iced coffee. We felt a little full after that so we slowly meandered to the bus stop that would take us most of the way home. We stopped at a grocer to use the ATM but we also got a little baby succulent for $4! Finally it was time to rest at home, where again, I hung out in my pajamas and played Skyrim until I went to sleep.

AND FINALLY: Sunday! June 6th is my birthday, BUT James's mom Susanne's birthday is on June 8th! After James and I went to work, she picked us up to go have dinner with her and James's family. My favorite grown up ever was there! Carol and Susanne are best friends from when they were very little and Me and Carol don't get to see each other often so it was awesome having all three of us together!

That's not even all of it! Tom, Matt and James's dad, Made the most delicious steak fajita dinner ever. There were roasted peppers, Mexican tomato rice, pico de gallo, and guacamole ALL completely hand made and there were the steak strips that were AMAZING. It was A+. Tom is such an amazing cook!!!

There was also Matt, this awesome cake, and mini cheesecake cups!

Besides the amazing food and wonderful people, Susanne and I alternated opening presents and we both got a LOT of them. I got several art supplies including a huge hardcover sketchbook and some colored pencils, a set of four colorful sundae dishes and all the stuff to make brownie caramel sundaes, and amazing pan specifically for brownie squares, yogurt pretzels, and my favorites were the bath stuff, including a giant bottle of lavender bubble bath, foot soak stuff, tons of bath soak packets,  and perhaps the most useful, a microwavable rice pad made specifically for my lower back and neck! I went straight home and used it immediately, it felt amazing. Unfortunately no photos of those, I can't deal with the hassle right now, since MY HOUSE IS PRETTY CLEAN! I don't even want to give it a reason to be messy right now!

Overall the whole shebang was awesome and it was such a wonderful way to start my 23rd year of life! I am so lucky and thankful to everyone who is a part of my life, I don't believe I could have made it this far without them. 

Thank you so much for reading, and remember to comment!

What is the best gift you have ever received and why was it the best?

XOXO