Hullo internet friends I keep writing in my personal journal about how many changes I want to make. I want to be healthier, I want to Follow My Dreams™ and the list of shit I want to do always surpasses she shit I actually am already doing. I want SO much that it can be hard at different points during the day to fathom getting started on even simple steps to get there and to Do It. I have no advice for others (other than the usual "hey maybe talk about it or write about it I guess") and I am Not Qualified to give advice anyways. in fact it's always disappointing from my perspective to give advice and then watch the other person just.... not. I think it has a lot to do with the new year and how I think I can do anything and I preach that I can do anything and when it comes right down to doing it, I just fucking CANNOT start doing it. Or I start and then stop just as easily. In no particular order and to get it all out there: I want a new job doing something I love to do for at least $15/hr. I want to learn how to jog and go to a gym and afford running shoes and wear size 14 jeans. I want to be a great vegetarian who cooks her own meals and can go shopping once a week for veggies. I want a clean house that functions well, and this includes being a homebody who schedules seasonal cleaning and fix-it tasks and finishes them. I want to quit smoking. I want to work with kids and I especially wanna work in art or with animals. I want to be kind to others and be a positive reinforcement wherever I am. I don't know what it means and I don't know how to want these things hard enough to DO THEM. Is it my mental illness (which I'll save for a different blog post) that keeps it from happening or is it just me? is it the cultural expectations or is it just me? see you in 2018, with or without answers.
Friday, November 17, 2017
Long time no see!
I've pretty much abandoned this blog but that's no big deal because luckily I can pick up anything I drop at any time because fortunately/unfortunately we use time in a linear wayyy...
quick update:
~I'm married! I married James on September 9th 2017!
~I'm in therapy and I've been seeing Kathy the Silver Unicorn for almost a year now.
~I'm on medications for depression and paranoia/anxiety.
~I've been living in a house with James and my cat, Alexie, since July 2016
~I'm mostly a homebody now, I spend my days off crocheting and tidying and watching Star Trek:
Voyager and playing video games.
~my therapist asked me what I'm doing for myself spiritually and I didn't really know how to answer her so I did some finding and figured out that I'm an agnostic Unitarian Universalist.
~Then I started going to honest-to-God Jesus church (Methodist), where I now am a Sunday School teaching assistant.
~started the Soapbox Boocklub with my friend Monty and we are reading The Silver Pigs by Lindsey Davis for the month of November.
I wanted to talk a bit about this last year because I feel like I've gone through a lot of growth and learning about myself. Last December I went through a big change where I simultaneously decided I was a vegetarian and started a planner obsession that would last several months and use up a surprising amount of money.. It's FINE! I'm fine
So like being a Gemini and being diagnosed as a child with ADHD and treated with fish oil supplements (????mother???) and later adderall, I just like... constantly have a lot going on. I've had to struggle with that a lot. At first it was nail polish and nail art, then it was unicorn things, then it was konmari, then I made a bajillion zines that didn't sell well and were really costly to make... and then I did yoga and started drinking 48 oz of water every day this summer...
I've just had to learn to accept that my life is super phasic, meaning I have to consider when making any decision if it's going to be something I can stick with for a while before getting sick of it and losing interest.
Unfortunately that means people fade in and out too. Not because I lose interest in human people, which I do sometimes, but primarily because I'm in my twenties and everyone I know is in college and I'm mentally ill and my friends tend to be mentally ill (shoutout to my mentally ill friends, I love you and I know you are doing what you can!) and we just lose touch or have anxiety and busy schedules and/or both.
It's been rough. Once I decide someone is my best friend (and I'm not an elitist, of course I can have more than one, what is this, grade 3?) they tend to start detaching. I don't blame them, but it feeds into a lot of my insecurities and paranoia and it can be kinda sad, especially when I feel like I landed a good one, you know?
Anyway. I'm learning to accept how my brain works a bit, it's OK to drop and pick up interests and hobbies whenever I want because I am An AdULT and I can do whatever I want.
One thing I'm not a fan of is a lack of communication. I believe in being open and honest while also being kind, and some of my viewpoints or feelings are not fair or kind, but they are mine and it doesn't make me a bad person. It just frustrates me when people aren't direct with me about their feelings, needs, or concerns. On the other hand some people just have straight up anxiety or social issues that make it difficult, so I have to take that into consideration when i get irritated, but maybe that's a whole other thing...
okay I feel like I've rambled enough, I should play some video games before work.
A lot has been going on for me so I haven't updated too much, I think it's pretty silly to go on a hiatus when I get all excited about blogging and stuff, but I think time really has just slipped by. Let's see, so the last time I posted was around Thanksgiving! Holy shit, okay. Sorry about that*!
1. I GOT A JOB! A super rad one! I am a caregiver/personal assistant for a non-profit called United Cerebral Palsy (UCP) and I go to my client's house, hang out, make dinner, do chores, talk about stuff, give meds and we watch a lot of basketball and golf! I get a lot of downtime, so I spend it reading (I'm working on lots of books right now actually, so there is a book list towards the end of this post!). I got the job in January, and it's my first really grown up job, and I've passed the probation period at this point, so I'm just settling in and enjoying my time with my client!
2. Christmas was MAGICAL. I got lots of very special gifts, but the most special one and closest to my heart is... A WACOM PEN TABLET! (for drawing on the computer) James, Matt (James' brother), Susanne (James' mom) and Tom (James' dad) ALL got together to get it for me and I've been wishing for it for so long, I cried like a little baby. It was just so sweet! I've been practicing using it a lot and I'm actually getting better!
3. WE MOVED! We had some unexpected changes at our old house and James and I decided to look for a place to live, just the two of us! We had lots of time to look, but it was super stressful, and we applied to a couple places, but we ended up finding a studio apartment for an alright price (now that i can afford it, with my JOB!) and we moved in March! We had lots of help from Matt, Tom and Susanne! It's SO CUTE, and even though it's small, it's just the coziest little space for James and I. It is very obviously from the late 60's - early 70's, and it has a tiiiiiny kitchen that we have modified with a table, and what REALLY sold me on it was a BUILT IN VANITY!!! We had to have it. I can jog from one end of the balcony to the other! My plants are loving it out there! Especially since my parents visited and bought us a cute little faux-wicker outdoor set, and a big long planter box, soil and plants! We got hyacinth, daffodils, oregano and pansies!
4. I made a huge mistake that I will never ever make again, and I got one digit wrong on our new address for a huge order from amazon, and I've spent I think, three weeks? trying to figure it out and it's horrible and so silly. I spent a lot of money on the things we needed for the apartment, and I've called EVERYONE who could possibly help! siiiigh. it's almost over.
I have a really good feeling about this year, because so far it has been so full of change and I feel like I've really been stepping up when problems arise, and doing my best effort to work hard and make money so we can even out, budget-wise (the move was pretty difficult, financially, and we are paying a bit more for rent, so it's just taking some getting used to). I would really like to get to a place where I can save money, because I still have so much I want to do, and I really need a scanner so I can transfer a bunch of drawings over and color them or redesign things.
This post really spoke to me while I was scrolling through tumblr yesterday:
"Honestly one of the most important things I can say I've learned as an artist is that if you feel like you’re really stagnating, that probably means you’re seeing problems in your work that you have never been able to see before, but you haven’t figured out how to fix them yet. You’re not really stagnating,Your understanding of drawing has moved beyond your current execution. Once you have finished processing the problems you’re suddenly seeing, you’re likely to correct them and suddenly make a huge breakthrough in your drawing. Don’t push yourself, either. Sometimes you have to remove yourself from a problem temporarily to solve it, just don’t give up drawing altogether."
I honestly have to ask myself every day if I feel like I'm good enough to do commissions, and if I am a Real Artist, but honestly like artists get enough shit from society as a whole regarding legitimacy and validation as artists, that to do it to myself is just adding to that, and torturing me while I still don't get anything done, and that's TOTALLY UNFAIR TO ME. I deserve a lot better, especially from myself. Amanda Palmer talks a lot about this in a much more coherent way in her BEAUTIFUL book, The Art of Asking.
I feel like my art is going in a different direction, and it's in the in-between place right now, but it's not holding still, which is wonderful! I really just have to spend all of my alone time working on art, you know, which can be hard because nobody is here to tell me "YOU NEED TO DO THE THING" (I just started watching Steven Universe with James and I'm so tempted to marathon it instead, so any effort is good) but I'm pretty proud of myself because I got really inspired last week and made a painting in about three days and my dear friend Pixi saw it and fell in love and she bought it!
I hope you are all doing well, I know some of you just started spring term and I know it's tough but hang in there! Soon enough its going to be summer and you and I can drink Slurpees at the park by my house!
*but also this might happen again and again until the end of time, just pretend it's on purpose!
James and I also watched a documentary on netflix about Dan Harmon, the creator and writer for Community called Harmontown, and it's fantastic! Dan Harmon's podcast can be found HERE, They play Dungeons and Dragons! It's hilarious.
A lot has happened, and yet nothing has happened. I'm busying myself with things. I am busy with work, eating, sleeping, visiting, committing, sticking to my commitments, self-advocacy, whatever else. I have a better grasp on who I'm going to be (a minuscule difference, compared to others probably) and a better grasp on what I want my changes to look like soon. Everyone is wrapped up in blankets and shuffling in the cold and doing things and not doing things, and everything feels busy. I am a shuffler.
I feel really productive when I am busy. I am making commitments and making art and asking for help when I need it, but the catch is that I have to stay committed or stay on the ball or eat right or make sure I'm walking every day or going out at least (easy with a standing job like mine) when all I want to do is sleep for as long as possible, get up, eat, play Skyrim, watch Netflix, and curl up again. The second comforter is on the bed and we switched from the fan to the space heater. It would be so easy to curl up.
Except I have obligations. I cannot quit. I'm getting ready to find new work (I'll have to work two jobs for a while). I've committed to seeing my friends, I want to take the steps necessary to move on to a better job, but I am so busy with my current job that 5 applications exhausts me after a day of work (and do I really want to be selling novelty breath mints?), and since the nighttime comes so early, and the frigid cold is so difficult without a car, there is little to no time to do things.
I can be better, I deserve better, I will stop at nothing, I am exhausted.
Vs.
I am fine, but broke. I am maintaining, I am sleepy, I am warm.
The weeks have gone by and it's almost Thanksgiving and I just today took down the Halloween decorations. Where did October go? What is happening with November? Why is it almost Thanksgiving? I am not ready for Christmas. Time is escaping me and I don't want to be 85 years old and wondering what happened to my 20's. What happens to me and James when this lease is up next August? Where will we go? Where will we live? How will we afford it? How will we spend our time together? Can I even pass a credit check?
Goals:
(loose and in no real order/structure)
Cosmetology school
Art school (job?)
Driver's permit
Driver's license
Car
New job (ideals: caregiving, art, non-profit)
Save money
Spend more quality time with friends
Clean room
Make and sell art
Get boots for winter
Get a coat that fits
Find a physical/mental balance
That's all for now. Hopefully my next post will be more positive!
I feel INSPIRED! I feel like I could literally CREATE ANYTHING! I could create an ENTIRE PLANET! I am SOOOOOO UNMOTIVATED THOUGH!
I want to shake my brain and tell it to get off the internet, quit my job, pack up the essentials (watercolors, brushes, pencils, markers, paper, etc.) and live in the woods for a month or two. When I finally arrive home, ragged and dirty (my hair would be ten feet long), I will have created the ABSOLUTE BEST THING IN THE WORLD. What is it? I don't know. The problem is, I have stuff I'm responsible for. Rent, bills, awesome new chore system... So I'm stuck here at home trying to motivate myself by looking at tumblr, and reading about different kinds of plants or bees or diseases or looking at pictures of protests.
I've noticed that the longer I am on tumblr with the intention of "getting inspired", I usually end up "generally pretty inspired". The problems I face after that are usually the ones keeping me from doing The Thing. The Thing is a potential masterpiece that will continue to always be unfinished.
What is preventing me from making The Thing?
1. My doubt in my own ability. 2. Other completely unaware artists that I have placed on a pedestal.
3. I don't have the money for resin.
4. I cant find small wooden hearts to paint on amazon.
5. I don't have bus money to go to the woods and do observational drawing.
6. I am cozy here with this blanket.
7. I want a nap.
8. I know where to get pin backs for crafts but it's 12:30am and I have work in the morning.
9. I am eating a thing right now.
10. I don't want to put this out there because it is not as good as this other thing.
11. Even if I made The Thing, nobody would buy it off my Etsy.
12. I am terrified of / don't exactly understand Etsy and shipping.
13. I don't own little gems to glue onto things already and I don't feel like buying them.
So MAYBE writing this blog post is a way to vent about being creative while simultaneously unmotivated, but MAYBE! It's also about the people who always inspire me to actually doodle the thing, or to clean my work space, or who remind me that someday it will turn out okay, and maybe I'll drop out of art school some day, or maybe I'll graduate. Someday I'll have vintage toys in my house and my studio will be well lit, or minimalist, or covered in pictures of Jesus or something.
Simplify, keep creating no matter what, use EVERY medium and to put eyes on basically everything. You can sell it. Her work space is incredibly inspiring as well. Since her simplest designs are made into beautiful pendants and stickers, I am always wishing to do the same thing with some of my art. I am not limited to a piece of paper and a pen, either.
I have been a huuuge fan of Carly's work since I was 11 years old, and I have even told her that several times. She has always been my biggest inspiration, and reminds me that artists are still humans, and progress is inevitable if you continue making art no matter what. There is a balance between realism and Magic, and someday I want to find that balance.
Ivy Atoms is actually one of my most recent inspirations. I became aware of Ivy through our mutual friend, Danielle (we all met at a Cibo Matto show! how cuuute). She teaches me that THE STRUGGLE IS REAL and Networking is as important as making art. Ivy has personally convinced me to make a zine, and has planted a small but determined seed in my brain to make a career out of my art. Also, it's never a bad idea to get a little sexual. Or to put some kitten ears and fuzz on an OC.
Sera Stanton has helped me to understand a bit about networking and making sellable art. She teaches me that acrylics are my friend, and that every color counts. Her art always makes me want to get on amazon and buy a figurine, and that I should probably watch more anime. I really love her and Ivy together, as well. Both Ivy and Sera are strong women, embracing a magical feminist power that I really love and admire. Their courage and ambition is just... hnng. I want that someday.
Danielle Simone Harrison is actually a personal friend of mine. I text her sometimes about how I'm stuck and how I need prompts and everything is bad and how much I hate my art. She reminds me how even on the worst days work can still get done. She inspires me every day to go to art school, to do it, even if it's horrible. Art is important, and always worth making.
There are a few others who I don't know very much about but admire anyway. I am constantly taking in their work on my dash, and it's always a pleasure to see them making new stuff.
It's been a while since I wrote on here, which is totally butts. I am not so good at committing, BUT! It's better to pick up where you left off then to leave it to die. My last post was about my birthday in June, but after that I realized I had to do some serious self care. James's birthday came and we had a blast, but my back was not doing so well. My rat, Betty White, had to be put down. I actually remember thinking to myself "I should take a short hiatus, and I can tell them that my back has been hurting and stuff" but I put that off until now, and I no longer feel like I need a hiatus. Surprise!
My roommates, partner, and I have decided to stay in our apartment for another year, which is amazing. This will be the longest time I have spent in a place since becoming an adult. Home is nice. My room is nice. What I have, I am so grateful for. At least once a week I look at my walls and I think about how I'm so lucky.
I've been looking a lot at what my own self-care looks like. I have been going to a chiropractor regularly, I have been riding my bike, and I've been eating a little better. This past month has been filled with a lot of physical activity (for me, it's a lot) including swimming, which is something I have always loved to do. Until recently, my self care looked a lot different. I would rest, I would read or watch positive things, and I would snack on whatever I was craving. Those things aren't gone from my life. I go through phases like crazy, so how I do my own self care is also changing constantly. I get to choose. I hope I can hold onto the more physical aspects of my self care during winter, though. That's going to be a little bit of a test. Can I just say real quick that I'm excited for sweaters? it is TOO DAMN HOT ALL THE TIME.
I've started drawing a bit more freely, as another form of self-care. This has always been one of my biggest and most productive coping mechanisms, but oftentimes I have gotten stuck by comparing myself to others, and it's just not healthy. What has really helped is looking at other people's art and knowing that we are all in this together. Art is important to everyone, especially all the artists. I am very lucky to have a talent that is at least a little bit profitable, too, in case I get into a pickle. Overall, my dream is to make money off my art, and be sustained and eventually comfortable. It's a journey, and I feel like at this point in my life is perfect to start getting myself a bit more organized. I do not want to announce anything until it's ready, but I'm thinking about working on something important for myself. It is yet is to be determined.
I would like to say thank you very much for reading, as always.
XOXO
Question time!
What are a few of the things you do to take care of yourself?
Leave a comment!
Big Country - "Chance" and "In a Big Country" Live
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