ald lang what

Hullo internet friends

I keep writing in my personal journal about how many changes I want to make. I want to be healthier, I want to Follow My Dreams™ and the list of shit I want to do always surpasses she shit I actually am already doing. I want SO much that it can be hard at different points during the day to fathom getting started on even simple steps to get there and to Do It.

I have no advice for others (other than the usual "hey maybe talk about it or write about it I guess") and I am Not Qualified to give advice anyways. in fact it's always disappointing from my perspective to give advice and then watch the other person just.... not.

I think it has a lot to do with the new year and how I think I can do anything and I preach that I can do anything and when it comes right down to doing it, I just fucking CANNOT start doing it. Or I start and then stop just as easily.

In no particular order and to get it all out there:
I want a new job doing something I love to do for at least $15/hr.
I want to learn how to jog and go to a gym and afford running shoes and wear size 14 jeans.
I want to be a great vegetarian who cooks her own meals and can go shopping once a week for veggies.
I want a clean house that functions well, and this includes being a homebody who schedules seasonal cleaning and fix-it tasks and finishes them.
I want to quit smoking.
I want to work with kids and I especially wanna work in art or with animals.

I want to be kind to others and be a positive reinforcement wherever I am.
I don't know what it means and I don't know how to want these things hard enough to DO THEM.

Is it my mental illness (which I'll save for a different blog post) that keeps it from happening or is it just me? is it the cultural expectations or is it just me?

see you in 2018, with or without answers.

Long time no see! 

I've pretty much abandoned this blog but that's no big deal because luckily I can pick up anything I drop at any time because fortunately/unfortunately we use time in a linear wayyy...

  quick update:

~I'm married! I married James on September 9th 2017!

~I'm in therapy and I've been seeing Kathy the Silver Unicorn for almost a year now.

~I'm on medications for depression and paranoia/anxiety.

~I've been living in a house with James and my cat, Alexie, since July 2016

~I'm mostly a homebody now, I spend my days off crocheting and tidying and watching Star Trek:

Voyager and playing video games.

~my therapist asked me what I'm doing for myself spiritually and I didn't really know how to answer her so I did some finding and figured out that I'm an agnostic Unitarian Universalist.

~Then I started going to honest-to-God Jesus church (Methodist), where I now am a Sunday School teaching assistant.

~started the Soapbox Boocklub with my friend Monty and we are reading The Silver Pigs by Lindsey Davis for the month of November.

  I wanted to talk a bit about this last year because I feel like I've gone through a lot of growth and learning about myself. Last December I went through a big change where I simultaneously decided I was a vegetarian and started a planner obsession that would last several months and use up a surprising amount of money.. It's FINE! I'm fine

So like being a Gemini and being diagnosed as a child with ADHD and treated with fish oil supplements (????mother???) and later adderall, I just like... constantly have a lot going on. I've had to struggle with that a lot. At first it was nail polish and nail art, then it was unicorn things, then it was konmari, then I made a bajillion zines that didn't sell well and were really costly to make... and then I did yoga and started drinking 48 oz of water every day this summer...

I've just had to learn to accept that my life is super phasic, meaning I have to consider when making any decision if it's going to be something I can stick with for a while before getting sick of it and losing interest. 

Unfortunately that means people fade in and out too. Not because I lose interest in human people, which I do sometimes, but primarily because I'm in my twenties and everyone I know is in college and I'm mentally ill and my friends tend to be mentally ill (shoutout to my mentally ill friends, I love you and I know you are doing what you can!) and we just lose touch or have anxiety and busy schedules and/or both.

It's been rough. Once I decide someone is my best friend (and I'm not an elitist, of course I can have more than one, what is this, grade 3?) they tend to start detaching. I don't blame them, but it feeds into a lot of my insecurities and paranoia and it can be kinda sad, especially when I feel like I landed a good one, you know?

Anyway. I'm learning to accept how my brain works a bit, it's OK to drop and pick up interests and hobbies whenever I want because I am An AdULT and I can do whatever I want. 

One thing I'm not a fan of is a lack of communication. I believe in being open and honest while also being kind, and some of my viewpoints or feelings are not fair or kind, but they are mine and it doesn't make me a bad person. It just frustrates me when people aren't direct with me about their feelings, needs, or concerns. On the other hand some people just have straight up anxiety or social issues that make it difficult, so I have to take that into consideration when i get irritated, but maybe that's a whole other thing...

okay I feel like I've rambled enough, I should play some video games before work.

see ya whenever!!!

photo by Oceanna Tout